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Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse, by James Breakwell
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Review
"The quintessential guide on the topic. It will make you laugh; it will make you think; it will make you wonder the barter value of your children in case things get crazy. You need this book if you wanna live." ―Kevin Sussman, actor on the hit CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory "I have to admit: I giggled." ―Jessica Lahey, New York Times bestselling author of The Gift of Failure "At first I was like, ‘Oh, great, another hilarious parenting book written by a viral internet sensation. Just what the world doesn't need.' But then I finally read Only Dead on the Inside and realized this was a hilarious parenting book by a viral internet sensation with zombies and I was like, ‘I was wrong. The world does need this!' You'll chortle, you'll chuckle, and you might even learn something." ―Jen Mann, New York Times bestselling author of People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges "This guide to parenting through the apocalypse is so darkly hilarious, you don't even need to be a parent or have experienced an apocalypse to enjoy it." ―Liz Climo, artist for The Simpsons, author, and creator of viral comics on lizclimo.tumblr.com "Are you a parent of cute, selfish, tiny people who look like you but don't pay rent, destroy your sleep, inspire homicidal thoughts, and shatter your self-confidence daily? Do you need help to survive this crisis? (Yes, yes you do.) Long-suffering parent, you must immediately read James Breakwell's hilarious, fast-paced, and practical book chock-full of wisdom, to-do lists, rules, and big pie charts and graphs. Breakwell not only taught me how to survive the madness of parenthood, but also how to protect my babies from becoming undead, crawling, brain-eating monsters in diapers after the inevitable zombie apocalypse." ―Wajahat Ali, speaker and New York Times op-ed contributor "Breakwell provides an entertaining read for parents and parents-to-be, with survival tips that hold true even if you aren't rearing your offspring in a savage, zombie-filled dystopia." ―Amber Hunt, award-winning journalist and New York Times bestselling author of The Kennedy Wives: Triumph and Tragedy in America's Most Public Family "This book is hilarious! I couldn't put it down (out of fear for my life and that of future generations). This guide is the ultimate weapon against fighting zombies, which is the scariest prospect second only to parenting. I would put this novel in the self-help section with a seal of Oprah's approval, because not only does it help you live your best life, it finally gives you a good reason for owning that cumbersome stroller." ―Abbi Crutchfield, stand-up comedian and host of You Can Do Better on truTV "The case is made for why parents will be the ultimate survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse. Whether it's using the ‘unreliability of your children to your advantage' or benefitting from the enmity a normal game of Monopoly can conjure, Breakwell pulls everyday scenarios for parents and hilariously weaponizes them for your survival. Plus, any book that uses the phrase ‘catastrophic bowel movements' is a book I want to read." ―Patrick Quinn, cofounder of Life of Dad, a social network for fathers "I never laugh out loud and this book is so funny I stopped reading to drag my family members in to read paragraphs to them but I'd do a terrible job of reading because I kept giggling about what I was reading. It's kind of about zombies, more about parenting, but mostly a reason to write one hilarious sentence after the next. James Breakwell is so good at being funny that it kind of makes me angry, but then I'd read another page and laugh like an idiot again. You need this book." ―Quinn Cummings, author of Notes from the Underwire and The Year of Learning Dangerously "James Breakwell is the Dr. Spock of the apocalypse and his no-nonsense guide to raising happy, healthy kids as the world spirals into blood-soaked chaos and unspeakable brain-eating horror belongs in every home. When the undead come knocking, you'll burn all your other parenting books for fuel. Breakwell gives you the real-world, end-of-world strategies that you simply won't find anywhere else. Your family will survive and even thrive in the zombie apocalypse while parents who bought guides to raising gifted kids go down in the first wave. Wouldn't you rather have this book and not need it, than need it not have it?" ―Eileen Curtright, author of The Burned Bridges of Ward, Nebraska "If the only line in this book was, ‘The fat shall inherit the earth,' I would still urgently recommend this book because it will have validated my entire existence. . . . Read this book because it will make you giggle uncontrollably, cry like no one's watching, and wonder if becoming a zombie isn't so bad after all. Eighteen stars. Highly recommended." ―Rabia Chaudry, attorney and New York Times bestselling author of Adnan's Story: The Search for Truth and Justice After Serial
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About the Author
James Breakwell is a professional comedy writer and amateur father of four girls, ages eight and under. He is best known for his family-humor Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn, which boats more than one million followers and has been featured on media outlets around the world. He also writes a parenting column for the IndyStar, where he antagonizes overachieving parents everywhere. Closer Magazine named James its 2016 Blogger Dad of the Year. In 2017, he was a finalist for a Shorty Award. He can open most jars on the first try and is only a little afraid of the dark. He still can't load the dishwasher right.
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Product details
Paperback: 200 pages
Publisher: BenBella Books (October 10, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1944648631
ISBN-13: 978-1944648633
Product Dimensions:
6 x 0.8 x 8 inches
Shipping Weight: 7.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.8 out of 5 stars
144 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#74,852 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
Most parenting books take a positive outlook on children. Parents know better. Breakwell takes a more cynical view of children and parenting, which is good because the Zombie Apocalypse is no time for Pollyannas.This book is chock full of useful* information** that you'll need when hell is upon us. Chapters include a list of dos and don'ts, along with charts and tables so that you know it is a Very Serious Bookâ„¢. It also has some funny, poorly-drawn comics in case words are too much for you to handle.The worst may never happen, but if it does, you'll be glad you read this book.
I laughed so friggin' hard at this book I'm sure I got looks while I was reading it on the bus. But I didn't notice because I was laughing too hard. I've already bought a copy of this for my Mom! Yes, some of the jokes rely on sitcom family stereotypes (the "inept dad" stereotype being the predominant one). And yes, I don't have any kids myself. However, the humor of there is so much humor based in truth. Anyone who's spent any time with any kids knows the truth of the dangers of a temper tantrum!My favorite part about this book is how it covers so many things that other zombie lore glosses over. The idea that disposable diapers will be a new form of currency rings very true. Plus, how many other zombie stories talk about how children are just inherently good at finding dangerous things? "It takes skill to make an inert wooden crib spontaneously burst into flames, but if anyone can do it, it's a six-month-old." That's why there are so many warning labels on toys. That's why being a parent in the zombie apocalypse is so dangerous for all parties!But the book doesn't spend the whole time complaining. There's actually some good advice in here. Like how most guidebooks would tell you to remove a staircase and use a retractable ladder to keep the second floor zombie free. Breakwell reminds you that carrying a baby, plus loot, means you're not climbing up that ladder. He also talks about how escaping from zombies, with your family intact, is more about situational awareness than actual speed. Then there's the chapter on punishments where he talks about punishment only being effective if the kid understands why they're in trouble.Some of the best parts of this book are about using your children to your advantage. Using their natural talent to create messes to make your house an obstacle course for zombie or looter. Using their smaller size to help you loot more places (not to mention their enthusiasm at getting to take home whatever they want). They also come with some very useful accessories, like strollers and toys that can be used as weapons. Like a mini-van that can still play DVDs even after the house has lost power.I absolutely loved this book. I shared some lines with my Mom and she wanted a copy. There are cartoons, charts and other visuals and the book is short so it's easy to stay engaged the entire time.
Twitter celebrity, amateur dad and professional writer doesn't give himself enough credit. He's clearly a professional dad too! If there's something you didn't know about parenthood or even if you did, this book is for YOU. You've NEVER experienced the Zombie Apocalypse. YET! Neither has James but he's what your'e not - PREPARED. And willing to share much needed insight, details, graphs, tables and lists of Do's and Don'ts because you will have NO time to think when the zombies strike, as zombies are prone to. Best of all? The writing style is easy, breezy and light so you won't even know you're preparing for the zombie apocalypse. But lo and behold, you will have prepared! Even the Centers for Disease Control with their presumably helpful tips in the event of a zombie apocalypse don't cover all the behaviors and logistics that James does. Neither does the Department of Homeland Security. And they won't be around to save you, only you will IF you've read THIS book. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I state that the survival of the species depends on this one book. If you're not a parent, get some kids NOW! There won't be any time during the apocalypse to borrow some. The closest you'll get to is hoping people you know have passed on and left kids behind and we know that doesn't come without it's own risks. The adults will likely be zombies first. Kids are your insurance. As is this book. What I found most helpful were the flowcharts because they help you visualize what you should do in a logical fashion and not the erratic manner in which your mind will race when the zombiecalypse is upon us. And get you killed. If, like me, you are in the nation's capital, you've already seen the signs. Oh, it's coming! I'd pay 99c for an app with the flowcharts alone. The U.K. may pay 99p which can only be great for America, what with the exchange rate and all. Canada might have to pay 9.99 for the app - if they ever figure out an exchange rate. Meanwhile, the book is a steal when you realize your insurance will NOT work, immigration is the least of your worries and there are none of the conveniences you've let yourself become accustomed to. The helpful tips in this book will be all you've got and not a moment too soon. What are you waiting for? Don't become a zombie and don't let your kids turn into miniature zombies too. Those who've read the book will be equipped to take you out. And that may not be how you'd hoped to go.
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